Someone is going to tell you to “enjoy every second”.

They will probably say it while you’re wearing yesterday’s clothes, your baby has just sicked down your bra, and you’re trying to remember whether you’ve brushed your teeth or merely thought about it.

You’ll smile politely.

But inside, you might be thinking: Every second? Even the one where I cried because my toast went cold?

Here’s something new mums deserve to hear more often:

You can love your baby enormously and still find the newborn stage really, really hard.

You don’t have to treasure every night feed. You don’t have to wish time would stand still. You’re allowed to look forward to a stage where your baby smiles back—and you can put your cup down somewhere other than beside a maternity pad.

That doesn’t make you a bad mum. Let’s talk about it.

The baby is gorgeous. The working conditions are questionable.

Before your baby arrives, you might picture sleepy cuddles, tiny outfits and peaceful afternoons gazing at their perfect little face.

And yes, there may be moments like that.

There may also be an astonishing amount of time spent wondering whether someone has done a poo.

You’re getting to know a whole new person who can’t tell you what they need. You’re recovering from birth, learning how to feed them, managing visitors and making approximately 800 decisions before breakfast.

Breakfast, incidentally, is now at 11:46am. It’s a biscuit.

Even when things are going relatively smoothly, it can feel relentless. And if feeding is difficult, recovery is painful or support is thin on the ground, those soft-focus expectations can feel very far away.

It’s understandable if your main thought isn’t I wish this would last forever.

Sometimes it’s Please let tonight be a little easier.

Loving your baby doesn’t mean loving the job description

There’s a particular guilt that can creep in when you’re holding a baby you wanted so much and thinking, I’m not enjoying this.

You might immediately start correcting yourself.

“But I’m so lucky.”

“But they’re healthy.”

“But other people have it harder.”

You don’t need to build a legal defence for having a difficult day.

Being grateful doesn’t make broken sleep refreshing. Loving your baby doesn’t make sore nipples pleasant. Knowing how precious they are doesn’t magically create someone to hold them while you have a shower.

You’re allowed to appreciate your life and still need help living it.

You can kiss their tiny forehead and then check the clock to see when your partner gets home. Both feelings can turn up in the same five minutes.

Some people love newborns. Some people love a conversation.

Certain parents adore the tiny baby stage. The sleepy cuddles, the little noises, the way a newborn fits against your chest.

Others find more joy later.

They love the first proper grin. The giggles. The toddler who introduces the dog as their brother. The small child who has a deeply held opinion about which spoon is correct.

You don’t know yet which parts of parenting will feel most like you.

Perhaps you’ll be the mum who loves muddy adventures, bedtime chats or enthusiastically terrible kitchen dancing. Perhaps you’re already lovely at the cuddling part but would enjoy it considerably more after some sleep.

There is a lot of motherhood ahead of you.

The newborn stage isn’t an audition you have to enjoy to qualify for the rest.

You don’t have to turn every moment into a memory

“Enjoy it—they grow so fast” is usually said with love.

But when you’re struggling, it can land like another task.

Feed the baby. Change the baby. Wash the clothes. Appreciate the fleeting beauty of existence. Buy more wipes.

It’s a lot for a Tuesday.

You’re allowed to have ordinary moments that you simply get through. A nappy change can just be a nappy change. You don’t have to pause halfway through a blowout to acknowledge how small their legs are.

Take the photo when you feel like it. Have the cuddle when it feels good. Let a lovely moment be lovely without demanding that the whole day match it.

And if you catch yourself enjoying something, you don’t need to quickly add, “See? I should be happier.”

You can just enjoy that bit.

Make the day a little kinder to yourself

You probably don’t need someone telling you to start journalling at sunrise.

At sunrise, you may already have completed a full shift.

What might help is making one part of the day less difficult.

Ask someone to bring lunch. Let the washing stay unfolded. Tell a visitor, “I’d love some company, but I’m not hosting.” If someone offers to help, give them an actual job rather than reassuring them that you’re fine.

“I need you to hold the baby while I eat.”

“Could you sort dinner?”

“Can you sit with me? Today’s been a bit much.”

You’re allowed to ask before you reach breaking point.

And when there’s a safe opportunity to rest, you don’t have to earn it by cleaning the kitchen first. The bench has shown remarkable commitment to being dirty. It can wait.

You deserve support, too

There’s a difference between feeling reassured that this stage can be hard and feeling you have to quietly endure whatever you’re experiencing.

If you’re feeling persistently low, anxious, disconnected or overwhelmed, tell your midwife, GP, Well Child nurse or child and family health nurse. You don’t need to work out exactly what’s wrong before starting that conversation.

“I’m struggling, and I need some support” is enough.

You deserve to be listened to—even if the baby is feeding well, even if everyone thinks you’re coping, even if you smiled in yesterday’s photo.

You can be a wonderful mum on a day you wish would end

You might not look back on the newborn stage and wish you could do it all again.

You might remember some beautiful cuddles and also feel very pleased that you now get to eat dinner with two hands.

That’s allowed.

For now, you don’t need to love every minute to keep caring for your baby. You don’t need to feel endlessly patient, fulfilled or grateful to deserve care yourself.

Perhaps today you fed them, changed them, held them and asked someone to take over when you needed a break.

That counts, even if you cried. Even if you were bored. Even if you spent the last hour thinking, I cannot wait until bedtime.

You can be deeply loving and completely over today.

And tomorrow, someone should bring you fresh toast.